If you are a new stander, you may be feeling overwhelmed. Maybe your spouse just told you they want a divorce, or you just found out about an affair. Your world has been turned upside down and you are trying to get your bearings. It's important to be gentle to yourself at this time, you are dealing with a lot of stress. Here are a few tips to help you stay grounded during this time:
Focus on Him- the stand can be long or short. But even if it is only a few months, it will feel like forever. Many have stood for years. This time can be challenging and hard. Give yourself time. Focus on your own healing first. You will want this to be OVER, but God is working on making you holy and whole. He is also working on your spouse at the same time. Either way, you may become impatient, frustrated, lonely, depressed, anxious, etc. Give it all to God. But also seek help. Not just here, but where appropriate. If you are suffering from anxiety or depression, seek a good therapist or your pastor for support. You may also need medical care which obviously we can not provide. You may need a good lawyer, again, seek the Holy Spirit's guidance on that. But always remember, this walk is about your own personal relationship with Jesus/God/Holy Spirit. Do your best to take your eyes off your spouse and back on Him each and every day.
Jesus, Your Heavenly Spouse- Ecclesiastes 4:12 “Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.” When we take vows, God is the one we make the vows to, however, He is also the third strand (our center strand) in the marriage. For us Catholics, we also know that Jesus is known as the "bridegroom." So when our spouses are not available to us, whether they are physically separated from us or are emotionally distant, we can call on Jesus to stand in the gap and to show us the love, attention, affection, support, provision, etc. that we would normally seek from our spouse. This may be a challenging concept for our male members, but if we surrender to the idea that Jesus seeks to offer Himself totally to humanity forever and that we can rely on Him when our spouses are unable or refuse to live up to their part of the marital vows, this may allow us to completely let go of our spouses to God and find the peace that surpasses all understanding. So when you are needing provision, support, love, etc. from your earthly spouse, turn to Jesus instead. He is longing to be your partner, best friend, provider, etc. during this time and even once your spouse returns.
Read the Word- get in your bible every day and find scriptures that will help you stand strong. This is a spiritual battle. We must armor up with His word. You can seek other sites, sermons, etc. to help you stay focused on God's plan for you and your marriage. The Word is the best place to go for God to minister to you and speak to you about what is happening in your marriage and in your own life. Trust in that and seek this daily and this shouldn't just be while you are waiting, it should be a habit you form for life.
Pray without ceasing- speak to God not just in traditional or formal prayers. Learn to talk to Him like you would a best friend. Some of us talk to ourselves... instead, talk to Him as you would when you are talking to yourself. That too is prayer. God wants a real relationship with us. He wants to celebrate our wins with him and also mourn with Him. If you aren't sure what praying without ceasing means to you, google it. It is possible to keep praying in every minute throughout the day.
Zip Lips- it is difficult during this time when our lost loves are running from God and our marriages to be unconditionally loving. We will want to share our pain, their offense, etc. in order to talk sense into them or get them to understand our side. We need to remember, our spouses aren't ready to hear us at all. They want to get away and any of our attempts to reach out to them when they are angry, upset, disinterested, disengaged, etc. will only push them further away. Charlyne Steinkamp from Rejoice Marriage, coined the phrase "zip your lips." Read her devotionals on this (see the website tab and click on the link to that ministry). As much as possible, we must take our grievances, concerns, etc. to the Lord and not our spouses and not even our family and friends. Our family/friends will want us to move on and accept that this is not going to work out. We must protect ourselves by remembering who we can truly share our woes to (God or other standers who get it).
PIES- An acronym popularized by Marriage Helper, it stands for Physical, Intellectual, Spiritual and Emotional "attraction". But it also is about growth. Take time each day to become the best you in all these aspects. To learn more about how to become more "attractive" and to truly take care of God's temple (your mind/body/spirit), join the self-paced course HERE.
Surrender- God needs our complete surrender. We must learn to trust in His will, plan and timing. We don't know the day or the hour. But we must be ready. We do have some standers who have been restored. Some were restored after just a couple of years and some over a decade. All have said (both in our group and other groups with restored marriages) that surrendering and fully trusting in God was one of the keys. If they didn't get to the place where they said, even if our marriage isn't restored, I will follow you. I trust You, God. I know that you have this... me, my spouse, my marriage and my family. I surrender it all and know that You are working. This is a process, but it can be done. Another topic you may want to google.
Forgiveness- God also needs us to learn to forgive... ourselves, our spouses, the other person (if your spouse is in an affair), etc. All of us have wounds not just from our spouses and we need to honor God by forgiving. It may take time and numerous attempts. You may have to forgive multiple times a day. It is truly a process and not just a one time event. There are plenty of articles, books, etc. on forgiveness. Turn to God and allow Him to help you forgive 70x7 times. Only when we are able to do this effectively can we truly treat others with unconditional love.
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This is not an all inclusive list. This is a place to start as you begin to walk this path with God. He will be a guide for you. Trust in Jesus. Allow the Holy Spirit to speak to you and through you... know that this can be the biggest blessing and gift if you ask God to make it so and if you learn how to love Him more than anything. Even more than your spouse/kids/family. Blessings, fellow stander. You are not alone.